I Failed Him

Yes, I failed Him. For the nth time, I broke my promise. For the nth time, I hurt Him again. Again and again, with my sins, with my weakness, with my disobedience and lack of faith.

How can I face Him again. After redeeming me from my past failures, here I am again, back in my old self. The old me that I disown, the old me that I detest, the old me that I regret. I thought she's already dead; how come she's alive now, ruling my heart and mind. 

I cried, I ran, I hide, far away from Him. I am so ashamed of myself. I was forgiven, but now how come I am sinning again?

Where is my faith? Where is my trust? He once told me, "Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more." But why? Why did I give in? I thought I am strong enough to follow Him? But with just a snap of a finger everything that I had started has just been blown away. 

I hate myself for being so weak. I was freed, but now I'm imprisoning myself again from an endless pit. 

Will He still forgive me? Will He still give me another chance? Will he punish me? Will he take away my happiness or worst never give it at all; in exchange of my stubbornness, in payment of my sins?

I'm afraid to be alone and lonely again. Because sin is moving me far away from Him.

Down in the cold darkness, I knelt and pray, "Lord have mercy upon me, I have failed you a lot of times before, and now, I am failing you again. I am not worthy to be called your child anymore."

Then, in that seemingly endless silence, I heard Him say: My child, I loved you at your darkest. And I will always love you, no matter what.